Scattered Thoughts

Seriously, folks are going nuts around here. Sure, this is the biggest page I've ever turned, but it does no good to be self-focuesd and miss savoring the final scent of this season. I suppose sadness is meant to come with everything good - there are so many people I wish I knew better! I'm trying to make the best of the last month here, and I constantly have to remind myself of God's truth. There are only two things I have now that I'll be able to see in heaven:
1. The Bible
2. Other people
That's all I have to say on the topic of graduation - I'm tired of the subject. If you want to know what's really exciting me these days, read on. Oh man oh man!


Silence. Quiet. Expansive stillness. What does it mean to you? Do you ever experience it? Though empty mediative prayer, God's been doing big things:
I am not great, but small. My spirit is indeed, quite poor. I am wretched, and I am full of self - but I'm loved intensely and personally. Furthermore, this love has nothing to do with what I do. "We are not the result of our actions." And so, in solitude the world slowly loses its power over us, and the Holy Spirit wakes up from its long nap.
The disciples must've flipped out when Jesus said he was leaving. We talk about how sweet it would be to have Jesus in the flesh, walking around next to us. People would be amazed, just like they were back then. Yet, Jesus told his disciples it was for their benefit that he was departing - that the Holy Spirit sent afterword was going to be BETTER. Supposedly, we're better off than the disciples were. God doesn't walk beside me, he lives INSIDE of me (holy crap - HA! get it?). But do I really believe this?
Let's be honest, there was a lot going on when Jesus was around. Shouldn't there be more supernatural stuff going on in my life? I know, I know, it's dangerous to get caught up in a brand of Christianity that is based purely on experiences. Honestly though - I can't deny that there's something inside me that cries out when I read passages about the Holy Spirit. When I read the Bible, I know there's more. There has to be more.
And I have no idea what is going to happen. It's not like the disciples knew tongues of fire were were going to come down. I have no idea what the hell is going on either, but I know God is good, and I know something big is coming.

The last 4 months have been the best of my life, and yet I have the sense of something very strange. Even though my life is great, in almost every sense of the word, a part of me feels trapped here on Earth. I'm so in love with the Father - man, I just want to go home. My heart longs for Jesus. "I'm doing well"..."I'm having a crappy day" It doesn't even matter, I just want him to come back today.
Sometimes (ok, VERY rarely...) I look forward at the rest of my life and I become afraid. Am I going to keep living for Christ? Will I really decide to do this until the day I die? I get so tempted sometimes. I'm so fickle, and I believe the lies of this world so easily.

Thankfully, I know the Lord doesn't want me to feel this way. It's all up to the power of the Holy Spirit. Bottom line: I'm tired of this earth - Lord, I want to see your power.

...and I really miss Kauai.